I love Roger Clemens. I threatened to name a child after him (luckily, Littlest is female.) But you know what? This has to end.

"I'm failing at retirement," he said. "Let's just face it. I'm failing miserably at it."

The 44-year-old right-hander, unsure whether to retire or return for a 24th major league season, was the keynote speaker for the St. John's winter baseball banquet on Wednesday night.

If he does pitch -- and it sounds as if he will -- Clemens will choose among his hometown Houston Astros, the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox.

You're right, you are failing. Please, I do not want to see a mortal Clemens on the mound. You have already blown the chance to go out as John Elway. Try going out as Carlton rather than Spahn.