What with all the graduation speakers out there who sometimes say really stupid things, and seldom sensible, The Eclectic Econoclast is offering his services for free. Benefits include

1. I have a cap and gown that have been described as cool or sexy (click here to see a photo).
   
2. I look very professional and academic with my gray beard and glasses.
   
3. I have considerable experience listening to bad commencement addresses, so I know what not to do or say.
   
4. I am an award-winning professor, with considerable acting and speaking experience.
   
5. I promise not to cuss.
   
6. ...You have your choice of opening lines (and topics):
   
   • "Never apply latex paint over glossy alkyd enamel," or
     
   • "There are no refunds for losing lottery tickets."

Hella deal. I'd get into this myself, but I can't beat John on price.