Tuesday, October 14, 2003

How we solve lawsuits 

Looks like a reader at the St. Cloud Times , commenting on the fired dean, has learned the SCSU System of Lawsuit Resolution (known as reductio ad absurdum 'round these parts)
"No reason this case can't be resolved quickly. SCSU has plenty of experience. Most of us know the elements of a settlement by now:
(1) Give the guy his job back -- plus a five or six-figure 'mea culpa' payment. If things really get stickly, it may be necessary to establish a pool of a few hundred thousand to be divvied up by anyone who claims to have been the 'victim' of similar discrimination.
(2)Establish a new Office of Ageism or (preferably) establish a new program of ageism study (requiring all students to take at least one course). Might even be able to get Pfizer to help fund a Viagra Chair position.
(3) Commission two to three studies to tell SCSU how unfair it has been to senior faculty members -- at least one to be conducted by AARP.
And as a sweetener to accomplish an early settlement: Give the plaintiff his choice of four prime seats at the sporting event of his choice the next time the Fighting Sioux are on campus.