Tuesday, March 08, 2005
So with no further adieu, I hereby apply for the position of president of Colorado University. You can find my professional site for qualifications.
- Limited salary demands. I will work for a tripling of my current salary, which would still be less than half what it will cost you to get a president among the others you might consider. This kind of thinking is what allows Mike Tice to get and keep his job. You can even pay for my salary by firing a few of the assistant underprovosts or whatever titles you have for underlings at CU.
- Within three years, my salary would be paid entirely by donations to CU. I'm thinking about linking up with L.L. Bean for a backpack contract so that every CU student has a Bean bookbag.
- Ward Churchill not only keeps his job, but we will send him on a tour and make sure there is media coverage of every event. He will get weekly appearances sitting next to Alan Colmes. I can make this happen. Fox will thank me for such a perfect foil.
- I will however eliminate every department with the word "Studies" in its name. The savings in salaries from the faculty there will be used to hire buses to send 40,000 Buff fans to Lincoln for the next NU-CU tilt. Every year. Time to let Cornhusker fans feel a little diversity.
- All Buffalo football players get ankle bracelets accessorized by Martha Stewart. Whenever a player is found in corpus flagrante a shock will be sent to an electronic collar worn by the coaching staff.
- We will contest Title IX.
- Everyone takes calculus, western civ, and a course in speech. The math department will triple in size, but they will hate me because they will actually have to teach students who need math rather than those who just want it.